little boy blue and the man on the moon

It's been killing me for sometime now but at this point, I'm not sure how to make amends... how to resolve the issue. It's like an accidental snowball effect... never meant for it to happen, but now that it's happened, how do you stop it before it causes more damage?

It's now been over a year since I've talked with my dad... many that know the relationship I have with my father know that it hasn't always been a great one, and that I didn't grow up really knowing him the way I'd gotten to know him over the course of the last 5 years...

Toward my senior year in high school, I made a conscious effort to mend an 18 year broken relationship that I had with my dad, and I was able to break through and see him in a completely different light. Jamie really helped in this as well and actually liked my dad which was great because I wasn't even too sure that I liked him.

Brief life summary... parents are obviously divorced, however, growing up with one parent, you always get that particular side of the story... and unfortunately in my situation, I heard this part of the story quite a bit... it's just the nature of my mother. I love her to death, and although I don't understand exactly what happened or to the extent that it happened, my parents still split and both my mom and dad still harbor bitterness and even anger at the effects of their relationship...

To put it bluntly, it was a bad situation with a bad outcome and then a little red-headed kid happened and here he is writing a blog about it. I could always tell that it tore my mom up, and honestly, in the last few years I've spent with my dad, I can tell that not doing "dad" things with me when I was little was a regret he still holds on to. I'd been able to talk to him about things I never knew about him... interests that we both share that we had no idea... little quirks that we have in common that annoy both my step-mom and my wife both...

The way we talk, our views on certain issues... although my dad isn't a very "open" guy, or a very "well-spoken" man... it's creepy to think that in a lot of ways I'm continually inheriting traits from him without ever really having enough time growing up to learn those traits...

So long long story short... here its been... 1 year and 5 months since I've talked to him. It was my little brother's (half brother but still my brother) high school graduation and we stayed and hung out... watched some TV, hugged, took pictures as a family... it was great!

Then life happened on my end... I graduated college, I started a job an hour away 3 days later, hence commencing my 2 hour drive to Oklahoma City on a daily basis... by the time I even got home, I was grabbing dinner and usually still working or catching up on sleep. Then it happened... we moved. In the process somehow, it never dawned on me to give my dad a ring to let him know, "Hey, we're moving". He knew that I had gotten the job here in OKC. We had talked about it at the graduation... but I moved and didn't call my dad, didn't send a card, didn't send a letter.

At first, I really just forgot. I mean, afterall, why run it by the guy who kind of wasn't there for me my whole life growing up? But still, nonetheless, he is still my dad and I am feeling horrible. My dad doesn't take things like this well, and it goes back to what I first started out with... it seems like no matter what I do, this situation is continually going to get worse until I do something, and even then, I know he's pretty hurt and upset by this. I know that I would be deeply offended by something like this, which again goes back to finding the little things that I've inherited from my father that goes without saying.

"Hey Dad... I know its been a year and 5 months, and I'm sorry, but hey, I'm back now and ready to be part of the family again..."

Yeah... that's not going to go over well.

The things that disappoints me the most is that we've flipped roles here...
I used to be the one, always wondering why my dad wasn't coming around and why I never got to do things with my dad that everyone else got to do with theirs... baseball games, football, fishing...

Now he's the one wondering why I'm not calling... if he's done something wrong that's keeping me away.

Have I grown up to be just like my dad?

I need a break...

that pretty much sums it up.
7 straight hours of recording and producing drum tracks... and I'm gone.

c'mon vacation...

4-leaf clovers...

As mentioned in my last post, one of the awesome outcomes from leading worship at Youth Convention was that we were asked to come back, plus we were invited by our new Irish friends, to come lead worship in Dublin, Ireland next summer... while at first it seemed like them being nice, we realized they were actually serious and so now the plans are in the works to get us there next summer.

Come July, I will be on a jet-plane with my guitars and pedals bound for Dublin, Ireland...
I can't explain how excited about that I am. There's a few hurdles to jump still... money for tickets, time off (shouldn't be an issue), getting my gear over there without it looking like a bomb (pedals in a suitcase, wired together with little power cables and connected with quarter inch cables can look very deceiving and could shut down Chicago O'Hare)...

Nonetheless, I'm pretty pumped up about it... a few dreams coming true with this one. Going to Ireland, playing in Ireland, and traveling with a great group of friends and family to play music across the pond.

Plus, maybe I'll find some long lost family over there...

Good talk!

and the band played on...

What a weekend. It's taken me a few days since the weekend to take it all in and to bring myself to post something about it...

Friday and Saturday (as mentioned in previous blog), I was privileged to lead worship for a few thousand teenagers with some of my best friends. All in all, the entire weekend was indescribable. For once, I just felt... in my element.

One of those things that, when the lights went dark on Friday night and we took the stage, any nervousness I should've felt or normally would've felt was gone... and we played on. Surprisingly enough, a few thousand eyes staring back wasn't as creepy as originally anticipated. At this point, I'd pretty much gone through any "what-if" moment... and some of those happened, and we pushed through and God continued His work in the room.

Understand one thing about me. I'm not a real "people" person. My closest friends know this about me. I'm not one to go hang out with a crowd of people, much less close to 2 or 3 thousand people... I hate going to Wal-mart because of the people there. (maybe I should get that checked out). But this was different... it was a purpose. God placed us in that room, for this reason during this event... for a reason.

It's like I was telling my friend Blake... for the first time in awhile, what I was a part of was completely and 100 percent fulfilling. God used us in a mighty way, which I am thankful for. There is no we would've been able to pull something like this off without our Creator.

Some great things happened from this. We were asked to come back next year, which is always a plus! We were also invited to do worship in Ireland next summer by some of our new Irish friends from Dublin. So we are planning a possible trip there next summer to do something very similar to what we just did this past weekend.

There's more that happened, but it would bore the normal person. I mean, my highlights were the 40 motion lights with the LEDs that blanketed the back of the stage... having my own monitor mix in my in-ears custom to what I wanted... getting to strap on a Gibson ES335 that a buddy let me borrow... having a green room with a crap load of candy... you know... that stuff. So I'll leave the thought of the weekend being that God took a group of ordinaries and did something extraordinary through us and through that, God did a number in many students lives. There were a ton of new salvations on the first night, and I'm thankful for that!

It's always slightly disappointing after things like this though... its like Christmas. Now what? You gear yourself up for Christmas and then... boom... its over. The weekend left me feeling fulfilled yet wanting more. (another reference to 2 posts ago). Again, telling my buddy Blake, I wish we could do this every weekend!

Although, like everything else... I'm sure it too would lose its luster and back to wishing for other things.

I've been praying a lot lately about what God has in store. I'm actually sitting outside right now... in my peacoat, a cup of coffee, listening to an old Album Leaf CD with my Tiki torches lit and the 50 degree wind hitting my face (it is cold actually). This is where I come back to the things God has in store for Jamie and I. Its times like this, alone, in the cold, outside, in the dark... God, what are we doing? I'll be completely honest in saying I don't know that I'm in God's perfect will. I know that I'm trying my best to live more like Him each day, although I still honk when someone cuts me off and I still get angry with people on the phone and think some pretty awful things about those people... but who doesn't? (if it is just me, let me know... ha!). I always get like this before God does something huge... I get somewhat reclusive and contemplative... this happened before we moved to Oklahoma City.

What is it now God? What is around the corner? I'm willing and ready, but I'm tired.
I tend to get emotional about this stuff... I'm tired... I'm beat down... I'm weary... but I'm still looking to You for the next move. If you want Jamie and I to sell all and move to Africa, so be it. I'd do it in a heartbeat. If its something as little as a change of heart, I'm down with that. I just am tired and distraught...

I was talking with one of my great friends today at lunch about these feelings... about knowing God is moving things into place for something else. It got me excited, but the impatient part of me wants it now.. ha!

So all that to say that this weekend stirred up much emotion within me... about my future, about my passion, about God's perfect will for mine and Jamie's lives, about being patient and about being fruitful where we are planted. A tree continues to produce fruit until it is uprooted and, unless replanted, cannot survive once uprooted. Until then, I march on doing only what I know to do... grow where I'm planted. There will be more weekends like this past weekend... and some may be better than this last one... but in the end, the band plays on and life continues.

in love with the ordinary...

I'm sitting here... watching a concert series that John Mayer recently did in L.A., and I must say... I'm always amazed at the things he does...

In the first 30 minutes of this concert I've watched so far, he's played licks on the guitar that I've never, in my life, thought of. Ever. Ever. I mean... things he's played that my mind at one point has said "oh, yeah... not possible"... (and apparently facial expressions as well... watch him play and you'll know what I mean). Does he build these guitars to flex the laws of physics? Special strings? Some miracle water he's drinking that makes him... John Mayer?

It truly is amazing!

To put things in perspective, I always tend to think of things like..."okay, he's 30.. he's 5 years older than me... I've still got 5 years to be as good as him". That's tough... I wonder, what goes through the minds of great musicians like a Mayer, or Stevie Ray Vaughn...

I have a friend who is bilingual and I've always been curious, "do you dream in Spanish or English?" And her answer... sometimes both. That's my question for these greats... do they think in feeling or musical notation? Musical theory and chord structure, or what fits the song and the moment?

I've gotta admit... music is and always has been my life. I do it for a living. I'm a record producer, a studio musician... I'm the Director of Music Production for a record label in Oklahoma City... its in my blood. Making music is my career and my passion.

But its breaking into that next level. What would I have to personally do to play guitar like John Mayer (seriously folks, if you're thinking "Your Body is a Wonderland", throw that out... I'm talking his blues stuff, his new stuff.. forget acoustic bearing Mayer).

Watching this DVD is getting me pretty excited about a gig I've got coming up this weekend with some of my best friends. We'll be leading worship in Tulsa for a statewide Youth Convention for the Assemblies of God. It'll be my second time playing for a crowd of around 3,000, only this time, a captive audience... haha... I'll be sure to post some pictures up for sure!

something bigger...

Here I am again... another sleepless night where my mind just keeps processing and going over random thoughts... some "did I dos" and some "oh crap, I've gotta dos"... listening to some old blues tunes and trying not to wake up my wife...

Reading through others blogs...some friends...some passing acquaintances... seeking inspiration... and honestly just catching up on some much needed alone time...

Of course, the later it gets, the piddly questions start getting deeper and the thought process becomes weaker... therefore I hit the blogs to try to visualize these thoughts... Anyone that's ever read one of my blogs knows that they can get monotonous and repetitive from post to post...

But let me start with one of these thoughts tonight...
And let me get away from the rhetoric and the thought provoking questions and just lay it all out there on a personal level...

The last month and a half have been really rough... just some odd things going on that I have no control over... nothing to deal specifically with me and Jamie, but things dealing with my job, my friends, tough situations and what personally feels like heavy burdens as a direct result of it.

The whole thing leaves me asking myself... is there something bigger?
Vague.

Is there something bigger than this current step in life?
Of course...

However... what if this is God's will for my life. To stay in this exact spot for the rest of my life...
Can I stay content, despite the hard times and the uncomfortable situations?
Could I stay content knowing that its God's will for my life?
It could be tough at times...

So it all comes down to this.
I'm at a point, once again, where things feel wonderful, but I'm still left wanting more... spiritually, emotionally... physically... every aspect of life, I'm left wanting more and longing for that 'completeness' that others talk about when they talk about their job...

I'm not asking God to come down and make everything perfect, and I'm not begging him to move me because of this situation...

And without confusing my personal feelings for "God" feelings, I feel that God has way more that He wants to offer me...

In perspective, it seems that where I am now is PERFECT for doors that are soon to open. And that I am where I currently am to fulfill something greater than personal contentment. But am I jumping the gun? Living expectantly, that God's going to open that next door, and just wanting out because its hard is 2 totally separate situations, and I'm having trouble finding to which category I fit.

So in all honesty... that is where I am right now.
Plenty of random thoughts about where I am, where I am going, and the will of God.
Who doesn't think about these that often, right? ha!

Until God says GO, I'm just going to grow where I'm planted and remain obedient.
If I was in control, as I try so often to take back, I would've wrecked this ship by now...

I had one of these once...

Once upon a time I had one of these...
Time rolled by and I forgot the login info... yadda yadda yadda...

So! This is my blog... brand new...
I'm going to cheat on this first one.

I'm going to copy something off a very recent blog post I made... so enjoy!

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Was already in bed once tonight and couldn't sleep... so here I am, late... exploring the vast greatness of the internet...

While reading one of the usual RSS feeds I keep up with, I see that Pastor Mark Batterson of Nation Community Church in DC posted this a few minutes ago.

"I Samuel 14:6 says, "Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf." I love that modus operandi. But I honestly think many if not most Christians take the opposite approach. Perhaps the Lord WON'T act in our behalf. We let fear dictate our decisions. We have a better-safe-than-sorry mentality. We live as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death.

Maybe it's time for a paradigm shift. When did we start believing that God wants to take us to safe places to do easy things? Here's a thought: the will of God is not an insurance plan. It's a daring plan.

I think we've made a false assumption that the will of God gets easier as we grow spiritually. Some dimensions do get easier with the consistent practice of spiritual disciplines. But I also think God will give us more difficult, dangerous, and daring things to do!

I love this phrase. It's so hopeful. It's so optimistic. And it's the key to living with holy anticipation. Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf. May God give us the spirit of Jonathan!"

Upon reading this, my eyes were opened a bit to how easily I do allow fear to decide and/or guide my decisions. How many times have I felt God asking me to do something or say something that I immediately, out of fear, became disobedient and abandoned the thought. Would I be in the same place I currently am had I been obedient in the first place... would it have the same outcome?

The what-if's and would-I's are really endless, and truth be told, are pointless at this stage in the game. I tend to dwell on questions like these... and slowly allow that fear to creep back in. Did I make the wrong choice? Would things have been easier?

Ever wonder these things or am I the only one?

I encourage you... start living a life with purpose! A life that challenges us spiritually... Live for something far greater than yourself and far beyond arriving...

Seems slightly generic... but man, I needed this simple reminder tonight!