It's been killing me for sometime now but at this point, I'm not sure how to make amends... how to resolve the issue. It's like an accidental snowball effect... never meant for it to happen, but now that it's happened, how do you stop it before it causes more damage?
It's now been over a year since I've talked with my dad... many that know the relationship I have with my father know that it hasn't always been a great one, and that I didn't grow up really knowing him the way I'd gotten to know him over the course of the last 5 years...
Toward my senior year in high school, I made a conscious effort to mend an 18 year broken relationship that I had with my dad, and I was able to break through and see him in a completely different light. Jamie really helped in this as well and actually liked my dad which was great because I wasn't even too sure that I liked him.
Brief life summary... parents are obviously divorced, however, growing up with one parent, you always get that particular side of the story... and unfortunately in my situation, I heard this part of the story quite a bit... it's just the nature of my mother. I love her to death, and although I don't understand exactly what happened or to the extent that it happened, my parents still split and both my mom and dad still harbor bitterness and even anger at the effects of their relationship...
To put it bluntly, it was a bad situation with a bad outcome and then a little red-headed kid happened and here he is writing a blog about it. I could always tell that it tore my mom up, and honestly, in the last few years I've spent with my dad, I can tell that not doing "dad" things with me when I was little was a regret he still holds on to. I'd been able to talk to him about things I never knew about him... interests that we both share that we had no idea... little quirks that we have in common that annoy both my step-mom and my wife both...
The way we talk, our views on certain issues... although my dad isn't a very "open" guy, or a very "well-spoken" man... it's creepy to think that in a lot of ways I'm continually inheriting traits from him without ever really having enough time growing up to learn those traits...
So long long story short... here its been... 1 year and 5 months since I've talked to him. It was my little brother's (half brother but still my brother) high school graduation and we stayed and hung out... watched some TV, hugged, took pictures as a family... it was great!
Then life happened on my end... I graduated college, I started a job an hour away 3 days later, hence commencing my 2 hour drive to Oklahoma City on a daily basis... by the time I even got home, I was grabbing dinner and usually still working or catching up on sleep. Then it happened... we moved. In the process somehow, it never dawned on me to give my dad a ring to let him know, "Hey, we're moving". He knew that I had gotten the job here in OKC. We had talked about it at the graduation... but I moved and didn't call my dad, didn't send a card, didn't send a letter.
At first, I really just forgot. I mean, afterall, why run it by the guy who kind of wasn't there for me my whole life growing up? But still, nonetheless, he is still my dad and I am feeling horrible. My dad doesn't take things like this well, and it goes back to what I first started out with... it seems like no matter what I do, this situation is continually going to get worse until I do something, and even then, I know he's pretty hurt and upset by this. I know that I would be deeply offended by something like this, which again goes back to finding the little things that I've inherited from my father that goes without saying.
"Hey Dad... I know its been a year and 5 months, and I'm sorry, but hey, I'm back now and ready to be part of the family again..."
Yeah... that's not going to go over well.
The things that disappoints me the most is that we've flipped roles here...
I used to be the one, always wondering why my dad wasn't coming around and why I never got to do things with my dad that everyone else got to do with theirs... baseball games, football, fishing...
Now he's the one wondering why I'm not calling... if he's done something wrong that's keeping me away.
Have I grown up to be just like my dad?
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2 comments:
i will be praying for you steven. and that's about the extent of advice i can give you. i believe God is bigger than any issues that might stand between your dad and you. pray for guidance and the words to say and i think you'll see the relationship mend and heal in ways you couldn't ever imagine. i believe God can do it, and i believe He wants to. but the first step, sounds like, is yours. again, praying for you and you know b and i are always here!
Maybe a note...saying hey, I want to talk. Can we meet somewhere? Pray over it first. . . or maybe a link to this blog. I think a father would forgive...offended or not. I'll be praying for you.
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