the latest Jeffrey...

I know, I know... it is rather ironic that the evening after we watched "Marly and Me" we go and buy a dog. But it has been a long time coming...

So...

We bought a dog.

We pick him up tomorrow... and he's a little guy. A Yorkie (my wife's fav), but will be a great addition to the family. Eventually, I'm sure I'll get a dog more my size... but until then, we're very excited about this one.

I have a feeling that this will help ease the 'baby' angst to a degree... no offense friends, but you're all having babies... and not that we're not happy for you... ha! It just becomes frustrating to a degree to hear about everybody's latest 'bun in the oven', especially the "oops" babies.

I'm sure you've figured out by now that we are hoping for kiddos soon. We had been hoping by the end of this year, but hey, all in God's timing, right? However, we've enjoyed our time that we've spent completely alone and together this year. But after almost 5 years of marriage and 7 years together, we feel its time for a little more.

Until then, we'll enjoy that nephew of ours, our new dog 'Mac', and the kiddos of our friends...
Speaking of kiddos, here's a video of one of our favorites!

Reassessment...

Beautiful night! Tonight, Jamie and I had a small date night... dinner with her parents and then Jamie and I watched the movie "Marly and Me". The movie was really good, really uplifting... and pretty emotional. Yes. Even for dudes. C'mon, it's a tear-jerker about "man's best friend"...

Now, this may sound really strange, but tonight, while watching crooked-nosed Owen Wilson's character, something he said clicked with me...

The movie really prompted something in me that I haven't felt in awhile. A connection missing... a wire loose that was all of a sudden reconnected and it all made sense again.

There was a line in the movie... he, being a columnist for a paper, always wanted to be a reporter, not a columnist. Either way, he's writing, but still, its not quite his passion... then he gets a chance to report, relocates and does what he's always wanted to do... then misses the freedom of writing a column. Something his wife says to him is something Jamie has said to me before... she says to him, "John, its just... exhausting sometimes. It's exhausting watching you want something you don't have."

A-ha! That was the moment. Something about that line...

Jamie's said it before, but it clicked because I could visually see a character that I identify with. I just shared 1 hr and 40 minutes of character building with a character who, I feel, I'm not too far from story-wise.

I'm doing what I've always wanted to do, yet, everyday, long for something more... I often feel that the reason I've even come up here in the first place is because of some completely different thing God has for Jamie and I. Part of me feels it has something to do with the church... with ministry. Lots of opportunity continues to present itself to me through the church and through ministry. But then again, who knows. I'm just along for the ride.

It just ceases to amaze me that I can be doing what I've always wanted to do, and still be unhappy to an extent. I've always been told by friends that are ministers that you 'know' you're called or you 'know' you're passionate about something when you're not happy doing anything but that thing. And that's where I am right now. Playing guitar all day, yet something is missing and I'm daydreaming about something completely different.

All that to say, I'm at that reassessment stage... I'm sitting down and reassessing where I want Jamie and I to be in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years... 25 years. I don't want it to be 'exhausting', and I don't want to live my life always wanting something else.

another year...

Friday was the big 2-5 for me... nothing completely intriguing about being 25 really. Nothing fancy happens. 16 you get the drivers license, 18 you can vote, 21 you can buy alcohol, 25?

Well... you can start looking forward to 30... and insurance goes down a little.

My wife planned a great little get-together on Friday with some of our best of friends. You know, it's slightly strange to relocate to a new city, church, job, etc., and look around from year to year to see the new faces that enter your life with such change. With the exception of my best buddy T-Y and his lady friend Reags, and of course, the family, it was a great evening spending my birthday with these new friends.

So... (sorry to all my friends over 25, which is most of them... ha!), 25... 5 years away from 30. My wife is getting annoyed with me because of my little 'getting older' comments I keep making. I've been hitting the sack a little earlier... tonight, I looked down at my hands and said "Hey baby, are my hands starting to look old?".

Now, now... know that I'm paranoid for a 25 year old... gray hair scares me, no hair terrifies me, arthritis happens, but I don't want it... I have a feeling I'll be the 80 year old grandpa with a faux hawk and a very un-useful knowledge of Adobe Photoshop and design. Also know that when I complain about how I'm not sleeping in like I used to, and although 9AM for me on a Saturday sucks, most would love to sleep until 9... like the V's... sorry for that comment on Saturday night guys! :)

So another year has come and gone... 363 days until 26, which again, should prove to be uneventful in itself. However, this past year has been a very crazy/eventful year and turning 25 sets a monument for me to remember these events by. If anything that makes 2008 a great year, its that we've seen so much change and adversity within this last year... changing jobs, changing cities, buying a house, buying a car, changing positions and changing churches... as scary as all of these were, God totally took us and guided us through this year...

I'm only trying to help...

What is it about the words "I'm really trying to help you out here..." that people don't understand?

Since when do people take that with a grain of salt... to say, "I understand, but..."

There's really no "but" to it... I'm doing what I've been asked to do by my superiors, and now I'm asking you the same. Do I always agree? Of course not. Do you always agree with me? Nope. Obviously. But don't become insubordinate just because you're upset. That's what separates leaders from complainers.

Ugghh...

Frustrating day today indeed...
I'm way too nice about 90% of the time... and today was my 10th percentile day.

Happ'y'ness...

All my friends are getting married and I love it.
My best friend got engaged over the Thanksgiving weekend and my other friend is fixing to do the same... exciting indeed!

Having been married almost 5 years myself, I've gotta say, it'll be nice to have some more married friends our age. We got married pretty young... or so everyone says. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Love it! Here's to marital bliss, some family vacations, and a partridge in a peartree.

The phone call...

So, I called my dad (see 2 posts previous).

I feel a lot better...
Never got to actually talk to him, but my step-mom.
I wasn't extremely surprised that he didn't want to talk, but the message was sent.

The seed planted.

She understood the situation... I told her it was a downward spiral... the longer I waited, the more I knew I needed to call, but the more upset I knew dad would be, therefore, I'd put it off again and again.

Tonight was finally the night I had to say something.
I feel great... I really do. Such a huge weight and burden lifted off my shoulders.

And the good news is that Dad will come around... he's upset and I don't blame him.
I would be too...

I'm just glad he knows that I'm sorry, and that I genuinely do love and care about them...

Airports...

Airports crack me up. Given this post-911 world/nation we live in, it is just a little humorous to stand back and watch the things we have to do to board a plane. Now, I'm in Kansas City, which, surprisingly, is a little nicer than Oklahoma City airport, however, the security measures are the same...

Its been a few years since I've flown by myself... well, before 911 that I've been anywhere on a plane by myself. My friend dropped me off at the airport and told me, "Now, you're probably going to get flagged... "

"Why's that?" I asked him...

"Single male, one-way ticket, backpack... just don't be surprised if you get pulled aside."

Having traveled quite a bit in my lifetime, I figured, "eh, this is a domestic, 1 hour flight... doubtful I get searched at all."

So apparently, a peacoat jacket, a grande white mocha from Starbucks, my Mac, and cool little emo hat are a red flag in the domestic 1 hour one-way flight terrorism department.

"Sir, will you step aside please?"...
"Sure. Everything okay?"
"Yes, I need you to remove your items from your backpack" (given it had already gone through the metal detectors)

*removing items* "That's pretty much it... my laptop, iPhone, iPod, a few sets of reference headphones."

"Sir, I need to take these items to run a test on them"

".... uh... okay"

Now understand, at this point I'm holding my removed jacket and hoodie, standing barefoot inside the terminal while everyone else is skirting by..

I can't say I was the only one... there was a 60 or 70 year old man behind me that they kept making him strip on more article of clothing and then walk back through the metal detector. That was actually quite funny...

I understand that "everyone" is a threat for domestic terrorism. Some more so than others, and that profiling based on stereotypes aren't PC... but c'mon, I struggled with legos and erector sets as a child... not sure that coming up with a high tech bomb at this point in my life is the line of work I really want to go into.

Oh crap, I wonder if they are monitoring my computer when I just typed bomb... dangit... that's 2 b-words.

All in all, I am sitting in the chair closest to the metal detectors just to people watch at this point... their reactions are funny when they are asked to remove an item... its eerily similar to cattle herding... the one guy directing everyone and "prodding" them when they don't know where to go or what to do... "Heee-ya!"

Great weekend though... always tough moving a friend. I hate to see him leave, but its a great opportunity for him and a good thing at this point. Plus, it gives me an excuse to get out of Oklahoma City every now and again and come to Kansas City. Kansas City is actually kind of neat... lots of history here.

I learned a little about myself in this trip...
I'm a pretty horrible listener... I am a 'fixer' and want to always put my 2-cents in... sometimes we just have to be a sounding board and just keep our mouths shut.

Anyone that has ever talked to me knows that it is typical for me to instantly respond with a "Cool!", or "Awesome", or "Wow"... whether or not the situation calls for one of those? It's just my 'reaction' words that lets someone know that I'm paying attention... I really need to get some new words. I found myself being a good listener with poor reactions to subject matter that really is a little deeper than a 'cool'... or an 'awesome'.

I've gotta say though, I learned a lot about God this weekend... about how God still works in situations that are less than desireable. But the key is, he still works!

Praise God.

Alright, calling my boarding letter...

Because the world is round...

I love nights like these... sitting in the back bedroom with my wife listening to The Beatles.
Finished a great night of hanging out with some friends that are soon expecting a little one... always a treat to see them since we haven't seen them in quite awhile.

I took tomorrow off, so I'm enjoying staying up a little later than normal... relaxing a little bit and enjoying my Friday-esque Thursday. So Jamie and I are just sitting, enjoying coffee, enjoying each other and pondering how to spend our new found earnings... haha...

Basically, we finally paid off ALL of our credit card debt, which is awesome... so now our checkbook is feeling a little thicker...

Tomorrow begins my weekend roadtrip. I'm helping a good friend move... off to Kansas City we drive in a U-Haul and a trailer. Happy for him, in starting over and getting back on his feet... and glad I can be of some assistance to him... I know he'd do the same for me.

All of this randomness to say that I'm going to go pack and get an iPod playlist started for my 6 hour trip tomorrow. Then some nice chill music for my flight home on Sunday. Sometimes, there really is nothing like flying on a plane by yourself with a set of headphones and a package of pretzels. If only we had some gingerale in this part of the country, right?

Oh and did I mention that my flight gets in a few hours before the Coldplay show in Oklahoma City? Yep. Pretty pumped about that... I've had a countdown on my computer for the last 5 months counting down the days to this show... and finally its here. And I have tickets!

little boy blue and the man on the moon

It's been killing me for sometime now but at this point, I'm not sure how to make amends... how to resolve the issue. It's like an accidental snowball effect... never meant for it to happen, but now that it's happened, how do you stop it before it causes more damage?

It's now been over a year since I've talked with my dad... many that know the relationship I have with my father know that it hasn't always been a great one, and that I didn't grow up really knowing him the way I'd gotten to know him over the course of the last 5 years...

Toward my senior year in high school, I made a conscious effort to mend an 18 year broken relationship that I had with my dad, and I was able to break through and see him in a completely different light. Jamie really helped in this as well and actually liked my dad which was great because I wasn't even too sure that I liked him.

Brief life summary... parents are obviously divorced, however, growing up with one parent, you always get that particular side of the story... and unfortunately in my situation, I heard this part of the story quite a bit... it's just the nature of my mother. I love her to death, and although I don't understand exactly what happened or to the extent that it happened, my parents still split and both my mom and dad still harbor bitterness and even anger at the effects of their relationship...

To put it bluntly, it was a bad situation with a bad outcome and then a little red-headed kid happened and here he is writing a blog about it. I could always tell that it tore my mom up, and honestly, in the last few years I've spent with my dad, I can tell that not doing "dad" things with me when I was little was a regret he still holds on to. I'd been able to talk to him about things I never knew about him... interests that we both share that we had no idea... little quirks that we have in common that annoy both my step-mom and my wife both...

The way we talk, our views on certain issues... although my dad isn't a very "open" guy, or a very "well-spoken" man... it's creepy to think that in a lot of ways I'm continually inheriting traits from him without ever really having enough time growing up to learn those traits...

So long long story short... here its been... 1 year and 5 months since I've talked to him. It was my little brother's (half brother but still my brother) high school graduation and we stayed and hung out... watched some TV, hugged, took pictures as a family... it was great!

Then life happened on my end... I graduated college, I started a job an hour away 3 days later, hence commencing my 2 hour drive to Oklahoma City on a daily basis... by the time I even got home, I was grabbing dinner and usually still working or catching up on sleep. Then it happened... we moved. In the process somehow, it never dawned on me to give my dad a ring to let him know, "Hey, we're moving". He knew that I had gotten the job here in OKC. We had talked about it at the graduation... but I moved and didn't call my dad, didn't send a card, didn't send a letter.

At first, I really just forgot. I mean, afterall, why run it by the guy who kind of wasn't there for me my whole life growing up? But still, nonetheless, he is still my dad and I am feeling horrible. My dad doesn't take things like this well, and it goes back to what I first started out with... it seems like no matter what I do, this situation is continually going to get worse until I do something, and even then, I know he's pretty hurt and upset by this. I know that I would be deeply offended by something like this, which again goes back to finding the little things that I've inherited from my father that goes without saying.

"Hey Dad... I know its been a year and 5 months, and I'm sorry, but hey, I'm back now and ready to be part of the family again..."

Yeah... that's not going to go over well.

The things that disappoints me the most is that we've flipped roles here...
I used to be the one, always wondering why my dad wasn't coming around and why I never got to do things with my dad that everyone else got to do with theirs... baseball games, football, fishing...

Now he's the one wondering why I'm not calling... if he's done something wrong that's keeping me away.

Have I grown up to be just like my dad?

I need a break...

that pretty much sums it up.
7 straight hours of recording and producing drum tracks... and I'm gone.

c'mon vacation...

4-leaf clovers...

As mentioned in my last post, one of the awesome outcomes from leading worship at Youth Convention was that we were asked to come back, plus we were invited by our new Irish friends, to come lead worship in Dublin, Ireland next summer... while at first it seemed like them being nice, we realized they were actually serious and so now the plans are in the works to get us there next summer.

Come July, I will be on a jet-plane with my guitars and pedals bound for Dublin, Ireland...
I can't explain how excited about that I am. There's a few hurdles to jump still... money for tickets, time off (shouldn't be an issue), getting my gear over there without it looking like a bomb (pedals in a suitcase, wired together with little power cables and connected with quarter inch cables can look very deceiving and could shut down Chicago O'Hare)...

Nonetheless, I'm pretty pumped up about it... a few dreams coming true with this one. Going to Ireland, playing in Ireland, and traveling with a great group of friends and family to play music across the pond.

Plus, maybe I'll find some long lost family over there...

Good talk!

and the band played on...

What a weekend. It's taken me a few days since the weekend to take it all in and to bring myself to post something about it...

Friday and Saturday (as mentioned in previous blog), I was privileged to lead worship for a few thousand teenagers with some of my best friends. All in all, the entire weekend was indescribable. For once, I just felt... in my element.

One of those things that, when the lights went dark on Friday night and we took the stage, any nervousness I should've felt or normally would've felt was gone... and we played on. Surprisingly enough, a few thousand eyes staring back wasn't as creepy as originally anticipated. At this point, I'd pretty much gone through any "what-if" moment... and some of those happened, and we pushed through and God continued His work in the room.

Understand one thing about me. I'm not a real "people" person. My closest friends know this about me. I'm not one to go hang out with a crowd of people, much less close to 2 or 3 thousand people... I hate going to Wal-mart because of the people there. (maybe I should get that checked out). But this was different... it was a purpose. God placed us in that room, for this reason during this event... for a reason.

It's like I was telling my friend Blake... for the first time in awhile, what I was a part of was completely and 100 percent fulfilling. God used us in a mighty way, which I am thankful for. There is no we would've been able to pull something like this off without our Creator.

Some great things happened from this. We were asked to come back next year, which is always a plus! We were also invited to do worship in Ireland next summer by some of our new Irish friends from Dublin. So we are planning a possible trip there next summer to do something very similar to what we just did this past weekend.

There's more that happened, but it would bore the normal person. I mean, my highlights were the 40 motion lights with the LEDs that blanketed the back of the stage... having my own monitor mix in my in-ears custom to what I wanted... getting to strap on a Gibson ES335 that a buddy let me borrow... having a green room with a crap load of candy... you know... that stuff. So I'll leave the thought of the weekend being that God took a group of ordinaries and did something extraordinary through us and through that, God did a number in many students lives. There were a ton of new salvations on the first night, and I'm thankful for that!

It's always slightly disappointing after things like this though... its like Christmas. Now what? You gear yourself up for Christmas and then... boom... its over. The weekend left me feeling fulfilled yet wanting more. (another reference to 2 posts ago). Again, telling my buddy Blake, I wish we could do this every weekend!

Although, like everything else... I'm sure it too would lose its luster and back to wishing for other things.

I've been praying a lot lately about what God has in store. I'm actually sitting outside right now... in my peacoat, a cup of coffee, listening to an old Album Leaf CD with my Tiki torches lit and the 50 degree wind hitting my face (it is cold actually). This is where I come back to the things God has in store for Jamie and I. Its times like this, alone, in the cold, outside, in the dark... God, what are we doing? I'll be completely honest in saying I don't know that I'm in God's perfect will. I know that I'm trying my best to live more like Him each day, although I still honk when someone cuts me off and I still get angry with people on the phone and think some pretty awful things about those people... but who doesn't? (if it is just me, let me know... ha!). I always get like this before God does something huge... I get somewhat reclusive and contemplative... this happened before we moved to Oklahoma City.

What is it now God? What is around the corner? I'm willing and ready, but I'm tired.
I tend to get emotional about this stuff... I'm tired... I'm beat down... I'm weary... but I'm still looking to You for the next move. If you want Jamie and I to sell all and move to Africa, so be it. I'd do it in a heartbeat. If its something as little as a change of heart, I'm down with that. I just am tired and distraught...

I was talking with one of my great friends today at lunch about these feelings... about knowing God is moving things into place for something else. It got me excited, but the impatient part of me wants it now.. ha!

So all that to say that this weekend stirred up much emotion within me... about my future, about my passion, about God's perfect will for mine and Jamie's lives, about being patient and about being fruitful where we are planted. A tree continues to produce fruit until it is uprooted and, unless replanted, cannot survive once uprooted. Until then, I march on doing only what I know to do... grow where I'm planted. There will be more weekends like this past weekend... and some may be better than this last one... but in the end, the band plays on and life continues.

in love with the ordinary...

I'm sitting here... watching a concert series that John Mayer recently did in L.A., and I must say... I'm always amazed at the things he does...

In the first 30 minutes of this concert I've watched so far, he's played licks on the guitar that I've never, in my life, thought of. Ever. Ever. I mean... things he's played that my mind at one point has said "oh, yeah... not possible"... (and apparently facial expressions as well... watch him play and you'll know what I mean). Does he build these guitars to flex the laws of physics? Special strings? Some miracle water he's drinking that makes him... John Mayer?

It truly is amazing!

To put things in perspective, I always tend to think of things like..."okay, he's 30.. he's 5 years older than me... I've still got 5 years to be as good as him". That's tough... I wonder, what goes through the minds of great musicians like a Mayer, or Stevie Ray Vaughn...

I have a friend who is bilingual and I've always been curious, "do you dream in Spanish or English?" And her answer... sometimes both. That's my question for these greats... do they think in feeling or musical notation? Musical theory and chord structure, or what fits the song and the moment?

I've gotta admit... music is and always has been my life. I do it for a living. I'm a record producer, a studio musician... I'm the Director of Music Production for a record label in Oklahoma City... its in my blood. Making music is my career and my passion.

But its breaking into that next level. What would I have to personally do to play guitar like John Mayer (seriously folks, if you're thinking "Your Body is a Wonderland", throw that out... I'm talking his blues stuff, his new stuff.. forget acoustic bearing Mayer).

Watching this DVD is getting me pretty excited about a gig I've got coming up this weekend with some of my best friends. We'll be leading worship in Tulsa for a statewide Youth Convention for the Assemblies of God. It'll be my second time playing for a crowd of around 3,000, only this time, a captive audience... haha... I'll be sure to post some pictures up for sure!

something bigger...

Here I am again... another sleepless night where my mind just keeps processing and going over random thoughts... some "did I dos" and some "oh crap, I've gotta dos"... listening to some old blues tunes and trying not to wake up my wife...

Reading through others blogs...some friends...some passing acquaintances... seeking inspiration... and honestly just catching up on some much needed alone time...

Of course, the later it gets, the piddly questions start getting deeper and the thought process becomes weaker... therefore I hit the blogs to try to visualize these thoughts... Anyone that's ever read one of my blogs knows that they can get monotonous and repetitive from post to post...

But let me start with one of these thoughts tonight...
And let me get away from the rhetoric and the thought provoking questions and just lay it all out there on a personal level...

The last month and a half have been really rough... just some odd things going on that I have no control over... nothing to deal specifically with me and Jamie, but things dealing with my job, my friends, tough situations and what personally feels like heavy burdens as a direct result of it.

The whole thing leaves me asking myself... is there something bigger?
Vague.

Is there something bigger than this current step in life?
Of course...

However... what if this is God's will for my life. To stay in this exact spot for the rest of my life...
Can I stay content, despite the hard times and the uncomfortable situations?
Could I stay content knowing that its God's will for my life?
It could be tough at times...

So it all comes down to this.
I'm at a point, once again, where things feel wonderful, but I'm still left wanting more... spiritually, emotionally... physically... every aspect of life, I'm left wanting more and longing for that 'completeness' that others talk about when they talk about their job...

I'm not asking God to come down and make everything perfect, and I'm not begging him to move me because of this situation...

And without confusing my personal feelings for "God" feelings, I feel that God has way more that He wants to offer me...

In perspective, it seems that where I am now is PERFECT for doors that are soon to open. And that I am where I currently am to fulfill something greater than personal contentment. But am I jumping the gun? Living expectantly, that God's going to open that next door, and just wanting out because its hard is 2 totally separate situations, and I'm having trouble finding to which category I fit.

So in all honesty... that is where I am right now.
Plenty of random thoughts about where I am, where I am going, and the will of God.
Who doesn't think about these that often, right? ha!

Until God says GO, I'm just going to grow where I'm planted and remain obedient.
If I was in control, as I try so often to take back, I would've wrecked this ship by now...

I had one of these once...

Once upon a time I had one of these...
Time rolled by and I forgot the login info... yadda yadda yadda...

So! This is my blog... brand new...
I'm going to cheat on this first one.

I'm going to copy something off a very recent blog post I made... so enjoy!

------
Was already in bed once tonight and couldn't sleep... so here I am, late... exploring the vast greatness of the internet...

While reading one of the usual RSS feeds I keep up with, I see that Pastor Mark Batterson of Nation Community Church in DC posted this a few minutes ago.

"I Samuel 14:6 says, "Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf." I love that modus operandi. But I honestly think many if not most Christians take the opposite approach. Perhaps the Lord WON'T act in our behalf. We let fear dictate our decisions. We have a better-safe-than-sorry mentality. We live as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death.

Maybe it's time for a paradigm shift. When did we start believing that God wants to take us to safe places to do easy things? Here's a thought: the will of God is not an insurance plan. It's a daring plan.

I think we've made a false assumption that the will of God gets easier as we grow spiritually. Some dimensions do get easier with the consistent practice of spiritual disciplines. But I also think God will give us more difficult, dangerous, and daring things to do!

I love this phrase. It's so hopeful. It's so optimistic. And it's the key to living with holy anticipation. Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf. May God give us the spirit of Jonathan!"

Upon reading this, my eyes were opened a bit to how easily I do allow fear to decide and/or guide my decisions. How many times have I felt God asking me to do something or say something that I immediately, out of fear, became disobedient and abandoned the thought. Would I be in the same place I currently am had I been obedient in the first place... would it have the same outcome?

The what-if's and would-I's are really endless, and truth be told, are pointless at this stage in the game. I tend to dwell on questions like these... and slowly allow that fear to creep back in. Did I make the wrong choice? Would things have been easier?

Ever wonder these things or am I the only one?

I encourage you... start living a life with purpose! A life that challenges us spiritually... Live for something far greater than yourself and far beyond arriving...

Seems slightly generic... but man, I needed this simple reminder tonight!