something bigger...

Here I am again... another sleepless night where my mind just keeps processing and going over random thoughts... some "did I dos" and some "oh crap, I've gotta dos"... listening to some old blues tunes and trying not to wake up my wife...

Reading through others blogs...some friends...some passing acquaintances... seeking inspiration... and honestly just catching up on some much needed alone time...

Of course, the later it gets, the piddly questions start getting deeper and the thought process becomes weaker... therefore I hit the blogs to try to visualize these thoughts... Anyone that's ever read one of my blogs knows that they can get monotonous and repetitive from post to post...

But let me start with one of these thoughts tonight...
And let me get away from the rhetoric and the thought provoking questions and just lay it all out there on a personal level...

The last month and a half have been really rough... just some odd things going on that I have no control over... nothing to deal specifically with me and Jamie, but things dealing with my job, my friends, tough situations and what personally feels like heavy burdens as a direct result of it.

The whole thing leaves me asking myself... is there something bigger?
Vague.

Is there something bigger than this current step in life?
Of course...

However... what if this is God's will for my life. To stay in this exact spot for the rest of my life...
Can I stay content, despite the hard times and the uncomfortable situations?
Could I stay content knowing that its God's will for my life?
It could be tough at times...

So it all comes down to this.
I'm at a point, once again, where things feel wonderful, but I'm still left wanting more... spiritually, emotionally... physically... every aspect of life, I'm left wanting more and longing for that 'completeness' that others talk about when they talk about their job...

I'm not asking God to come down and make everything perfect, and I'm not begging him to move me because of this situation...

And without confusing my personal feelings for "God" feelings, I feel that God has way more that He wants to offer me...

In perspective, it seems that where I am now is PERFECT for doors that are soon to open. And that I am where I currently am to fulfill something greater than personal contentment. But am I jumping the gun? Living expectantly, that God's going to open that next door, and just wanting out because its hard is 2 totally separate situations, and I'm having trouble finding to which category I fit.

So in all honesty... that is where I am right now.
Plenty of random thoughts about where I am, where I am going, and the will of God.
Who doesn't think about these that often, right? ha!

Until God says GO, I'm just going to grow where I'm planted and remain obedient.
If I was in control, as I try so often to take back, I would've wrecked this ship by now...